You Can't Compare
by MrsBeck1208
Summary: Brian hears you can't compare... one too many times.


It started out the same as any other dinner at Deb's. Michael, Ben and Hunter were there early to help with the cooking. Emmett was catering a brunch, but would be back in time for dinner. Carl was also working, but would be back in time for the meal as well. They hoped. You never knew what a cop's day could throw at him. Ted and Blake were as predictable as ever and never minded lending a hand setting the table.

Lindsay and Melanie would arrive next with the kids. Their adventure in the Great White North having taken only 8 months before realizing that social acceptance was not the same as family and friends. They had moved back just shy of the 9 month anniversary of the day they left. Miraculously, their old house was even on the market and it was (almost) like they had never left. Never one to believe in coincidence, Melanie did some research on the various people and companies involved in the sale of the house since they had left for Canada and discovered that the people they had sold the house to had been approached by a rental company before the ink was even dry on the paperwork. They sold to the rental company at a profit and the house had been sitting empty ever since. She wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry when the paper trail eventually led back to Kinnetik, Inc. Melanie Marcus had never loved and hated Brian Kinney more than that day. Loved him for making sure they had their home to return to and hated him for being so sure that they would. She still hadn't figured out how to tell anyone or if she should.

Melanie had been able to go back to her old firm, but Lindsay's job at the gallery had been filled, so she was back to teaching again. "I told you so" was on the tip of many tongues, but never said. It was far too nice to have the family together again. It had felt much too fractured during those months. Brian, Michael and Debbie were a mess without the kids. Not that Brian would ever admit it, but everyone knew. This newer version of Brian Fucking Kinney was less successful at hiding his feelings from his friends, especially Ted. Sure he drank and danced and was still the asshole they all knew, but more often than not, he was working. Losing himself in paperwork instead of a bottle of Jim Beam.

Once Gus was back in Pittsburgh, Brian was happier. All Brian needed was for Justin to move back and life would be complete. Of course, it was never that simple and Justin was still in New York. They had to make do with weekend visits, more often than not with Brian going to New York, but Justin managed to get home every couple of months. 'The Dinner' happened to be on one of those weekends.

Naturally, Brian and Justin arrived last, just as dinner was being put on the table. Both looking well fucked which came as no surprise to anyone since it was common knowledge they spent a good portion of Justin's weekends home in bed. Or in the shower. Or on the floor. Or on the couch… Appearances outside the loft were reserved for visits with Justin's Mom, Gus or the mandatory dinner at Deb's.

It had taken some doing, but Brian and Michael had gotten their friendship back on track. It would never be the same, but it wasn't filled with the cold empty spaces it had been. It was familiar and comfortable again. Things had also been strained with Lindsay for a while, but they too, were back to a comfortable place. Possibly an even better place since Brian was a bigger part of Gus's life than he had ever been before.

The first couple of months Justin was gone had been hard on both of them. It had been hard to navigate this new territory and both Brian and Justin were left feeling raw and vulnerable more than once. During one late night phone conversation that involved a lot of tequila on Justin's part, his alcohol loosened tongue and bruised emotions let loose. His tirade about Lindsay, the Art Forum article, and people who play emotional chess may have needed to come out, but Daphne probably would have been a better choice to vent on than Brian. Justin giving voice to seeds of doubt that had been hiding in the dark recesses of Brian's mind had not been a good thing. Several weeks of brooding led to a trip to Toronto and some very uncomfortable conversations with Lindsay about her motives and her feelings about Brian.

With Brian working more and partying less, Melanie had less to say about his lifestyle. That coupled with her knowledge of what he did with their house, kept her oddly silent about Brian's faults for a change. She still hadn't quite found her footing this new situation, but it had been more pleasant for everyone.

Dinner started out just as all the others had. Small talk about current events and Liberty Avenue gossip carried them through the main course. Deb was serving up dessert when conversation turned to the upcoming PFLAG fundraiser. They were planning an all day festival that included a special dedication to the survivors and families of the victims of the Babylon bombing. Debbie was issuing her invitations, but refusals were not an option accepted gracefully.

"Sure Deb, we'd love to go." Naturally, Ben and Michael were first to accept.

"Count us in, too." Ted and Blake were next.

"We'll be there. I hope Marie and the kids will be there." Lindsay answered for her clan.

Justin silently prayed Deb would give Brian a break on this one. Brian was more deeply affected by the bombing than anyone realized. They already had plans for that weekend anyway.

"Sorry, Deb, I have a wedding that day. I'll be tied up the whole day." Emmett said.

"Oh, well, I guess that's a good excuse. Maybe next year, honey." Deb gave him an affectionate pat on the check as she passed by with another plate of pastries.

Justin was still praying when his luck ran out.

"I expect both of you to be there." She pointed at Justin and Brian.

Damn, this was going to get ugly.

"Sorry, Deb, we already have plans." Justin hoped if it came from him and not Brian, she'd take the news better. "I have a show that week and Brian is coming to New York that weekend for our anniversary."

Justin could feel the tension radiating off Brian and was practically holding his breath waiting for the shit storm to begin. He probably shouldn't have mentioned the anniversary part, but he was hoping it would buy them some leniency. It had taken him forever (and a lot of blow jobs) to get Brian to admit to having a special day to celebrate in the first place. Privately, they didn't refer to it as an anniversary, but that was what it was.

"You have to be here, asshole!" She shrieked. "It was your club! And you," she pointed at Justin, "your mother is on the planning committee!"

"I'm sure my mother will understand if I can't make it back that weekend." Justin was trying hard to remain calm.

"Deb, I'm sure…" Ben started to interject but was cut off by Brian. Anyone who knew him should have realized that the overly calm, deliberate voice he was using was more dangerous that if had been shouting at the top of his lungs.

"Do you honestly think that I am not aware of the fact that it was _my_ club that was blown up? Do you really believe that I need a reminder that my _friends_ were there when that bomb went off?"

Justin could tell by the look in Brian's eyes that this was about to get very, very ugly. Brian had gotten a whole lot better about expressing his feelings since the bombing. Granted that compared to other people he was still an emotional cripple, but for Brian he had made great progress. However, progress was not a good thing right now because Brian was about to unload on Debbie. He needed to derail this conversation quickly.

"So Emmett, what wedding are you doing?" Justin jumped in hoping Debbie and Brian would let it drop for now.

"Besides how the hell can you celebrate an anniversary when most of the time you won't even admit to being in a relationship?"

Justin's head whipped around, not believing what he'd just heard. Brian gave her the Kinney death glare, but said nothing.

"You know, she does have a point. With as many times as you two are on-again, off-again, it would be hard to narrow down a date." Michael chimed in.

Brian leveled a glare at him and Justin prayed they would all just shut up and eat their desserts.

"You could probably have an anniversary every month if you celebrated every time you got back together." Lindsay giggled. Obviously the wine had flowed a little too freely tonight.

Brian raised an eyebrow at her. "Giving relationship advice now, Lindz?"

"No, but you have to admit you do have a rather unconventional arrangement?"

"Really? And why is that?"

Justin and Ted sat there knowing this was like watching a track wreck. You know it's going to crash, but there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it.

"Well, not many people would be as tolerant as Justin and you have to admit you take tricking to a whole new level."

"When it comes to tricking, I think Brian gets a level all to himself." Michael crowed.

Justin wondered if Michael would ever completely let go of the Brian Fucking Kinney image. On the one hand, he would condemn Brian for it, but on the other he just couldn't let it go.

"Tricking, being open and honest about the boundaries of our relationship as opposed to all the married types who fuck around behind each other's backs?" Brian's pointed glare should have been enough to stop Lindsay in her tracks. Melanie obviously knew better than to say anything because she was suddenly very interested in relocating Gus and JR to the living room.

"I hardly see how you can compare…" Lindsay started, but was surprised when Brian jumped out of his chair.

"'You can't compare.' Do you know how many times I've heard or you Michael try to shove that load of shit down my throat?" Lindsay blanched and Michael looked up surprised to be included in Brian's sudden anger. "I can't compare my relationship to yours, right? Michael and David, Michael and Ben, Lindsay and Melanie. They just aren't in the same league as Justin and Brian, right? You can't compare your relationships to mine because yours are based on trust and fidelity, right? But yet David lied to Michael and prowled the baths. Ben did his time as steroid Mary and I've lost track of how many times Lindz and Mel have broken up because one of you fucked around on the other. I don't have any legal rights to my son because I signed them over in an attempt to get you back together and give him a loving home with two parents. Justin sat up with me all night while I agonized over that decision, but my relationship with him just can't compare." He sneered and glared at them all. Lindsay opened her mouth to say something, but he didn't let her.

"And you know what, you're right. You can't compare my relationship to yours. Neither of you have ever sat there helpless while your partner was bleeding to death in your lap." Several people gasped and Justin reached out to grab Brian's hand. He couldn't believe Brian was bringing up the bashing. Brian never talked about the bashing!

"Neither of you have ever watched night after night after night outside a hospital room just making sure your partner is still breathing. Afraid that if you look away even for a moment, something else is going to go wrong and you're going to lose him."

Justin's jaw dropped and this time Debbie tried to cut in, but again he wasn't letting anyone stop him. Brian knew he and Justin were going to need to have one hell of a long talk later, but he was so sick of the sanctimonious bullshit that got thrown at him.

"You can't compare because neither of you have ever had to help your partner learn how to be touched again or walk down the street again or figure out how to draw again after some asshole cracks his skull open. And I know neither of you have ever had to deal with a lack of sleep because one or both of you have nightmares about that night no matter how many years it's been."

"You can't compare because neither of you have had to deal with a 3,000 mile separation. Or losing everything and having to start over. Or cancer."

Michael tried to jump in there and Brian knew exactly what he was going to say.

"Don't go there Michael. You knew Ben was positive when you met him. You knew what you were getting into. Justin had no clue I was going to end up with cancer. He had no idea what he was going to have to deal with or that we may have to deal with it again in the future."

Apparently, the possibility of a recurrence of Brian's cancer hadn't occurred to most of the people at the table. Most of them looked stunned and shamed at the same time. Like they hadn't even thought it could come back.

"And by all means you can't compare my relationship to yours because you haven't had some homophobic prick try to _kill _your partner a _second_ time by blowing up your club! No absolutely not, you can't compare." Brian was practically seething by this point. Michael and Lindsay looked about 12" tall in their chairs.

"Brian, honey, we all had people we cared about at the club." Deb actually managed to get in while Brian took a deep breath. He shot her a glare and continued.

"That's right, Deb, we all did. But it was my club, my business, my safe haven since I was 18 and it was the _second _time that Justin almost _died_ on me. That makes things just a little bit different for me. He almost died on me twice. Twice, in less than five years. None of you have a clue what that feels like. We all feel the fear, the anger, and the loss from the bombing, but did you get to be a suspect? Did you have to prove you didn't blow up your own business for insurance money?"

Deb let out a horrified gasp and everyone but Ted and Justin looked to Carl for confirmation. It had been one of the least pleasant parts of the investigation, but it had been necessary. Carl had never thought for one moment that Brian had anything to do with the bomb, but they still needed to prove it on paper for everyone else.

"Did anyone here besides Ted and Justin help with the rebuilding?" Brian continued. "Justin was in New York and he was still helping me with Babylon in addition to working his regular job and building his art career."

Brian pulled Justin close to his side.

"And by all means, you can't compare my relationship to yours because you never have people putting you down, telling you who or what you should be, meddling in your relationship or trying to break you up. Come on, Justin, we're taking a detour before you go back to the Big Apple."

Justin looked confused. "We are? Where are we going?"

Brian looked at the table still surrounded by stunned people and then back at Justin's face. Kissing him gently on the lips, he said, "Vermont."

As they stopped to say goodnight to Gus on their way out, they could hear the cacophony of shocked voices coming from behind them. Brian was sure there would be plenty of conversation for the rest of the night.

Once inside the Corvette, Justin took Brian's hand. "Vermont?"

"Vermont."

"It's not snowboarding season."

"I know."

"We don't have to do this. We don't need to prove anything to anyone."

"I don't need to, I want to and I know damn well you want to, too."

All Justin could do was smile at that.

"Well, then, what are you waiting for? Let's get packing!"


End file.
